Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
