Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
