He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I need to calm my uterus...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
