Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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