Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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