So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
