god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
