Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
