If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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