john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
