Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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