Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
