That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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