I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
