I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
