Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
