well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
