You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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