There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
