she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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