Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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