Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize