I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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