No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
