my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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