It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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