I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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