we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
