i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
