Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
you never un-have a 4some
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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