No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
