he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
