chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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