I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
