those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
