so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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