I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
