I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
