He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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