I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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