so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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