You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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