there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
