Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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