Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
