I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
