Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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