why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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