Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
