I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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