I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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