There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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