no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
