do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Welp...herpes.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize