I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
