just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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